Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday