Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually