@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

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@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@QwertyJones3

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

@daniel_shaw

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

@SketchesbyBoze

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

@faisaladam_

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@morninggloria

Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually