Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Seems kinda suspicious
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”