Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.