Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
My friend is an excellent librarian.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
As the Lord intended
Duck typos.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!