Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
You Might Also Like
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
how much for the angry fruit?
how to exercise your calf muscles
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys