Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs