@MumsieEsq

Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

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@Just_Lee_

The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.

@Donna_McCoy

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

@MissHavisham

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

@TheDailySchmuck

Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@CtotheASS

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

@SteveSuckington

Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend