Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

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The neighbor’s dog has barked non stop for three hours.

And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.


If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.


“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.


Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying


Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.


Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.


Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.


“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank


Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend