Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My Guy
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists