[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.