@Anyalachae7

Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”

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@SaltyCorpse

My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@jjax44

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

@fro_vo

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

@metafroth

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@OhSweetCharity

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.