The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée