Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”

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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.


[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right


I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.


When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.


Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.


Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election


I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.