A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says “probably just shitfaced.”
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My dog: I can’t get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.