Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
This kid is a star!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Wait a second…
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.