Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Saturday
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Guilty! 🤪
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?