@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

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@TheBoydP

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

@SethMacFarlane

Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.

@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

@krisv_723

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

@humanaaron

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@SamuelHLowe

Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.