Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[God creating Raccoons]
GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask “am I sexuaaaal?” and don’t get a “yeeeeeeah!” in response, you need a new crew.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week