@timdonakowski

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

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@lindseyallen

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@IvoryGazelle

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

@geowizzacist

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

@smithsara79

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

@JustDontBugMe

[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM…

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

@jwoodham

We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask “am I sexuaaaal?” and don’t get a “yeeeeeeah!” in response, you need a new crew.

@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week