Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Once again not all heroes wear capes
never forget
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”