Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

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Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.


RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.


OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.

Love Mom XO


Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”


Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds


I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.