GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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Brands during Pride
Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.