@BijersSunbird

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

You Might Also Like

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@caithuls

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@Lisa_Laughs_

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

@Smooheed

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

@sarcasticmommy4

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.