Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
What’s a Messi?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you