Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
This is a bad sign
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]