Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
You Might Also Like
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.