Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.