Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
You Might Also Like
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
absolute chaos
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.