I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My circle of trust is a meatball
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Great Canadian literature.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.