sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.