Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
wtf is an acronym
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.