Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Worst bar ever.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body