Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

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Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants


FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does


I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.


All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.


Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.


Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.


Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.


[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*


Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.