@BunAndLeggings
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
@adamhess1
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
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@BunAndLeggings
@daemonic3
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
@DavidRaymondT
I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
@omgthatspunny
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
@blatchfordnews
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
@_SetTheHook_
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
@ozzyunc
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
@skittle624
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
@LeBearGirdle
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
@JKNenagh
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.