@Trustedshoe
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
@adamhess1
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
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@Trustedshoe
@CarpentersCrack
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
@JoParkerBear
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
@VodkaThursday
U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
@cravin4
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
@iAmDelFreaky
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
@simoncholland
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
@BlindChow
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
@DomBorrett
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
@Darlainky
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.