@adamhess1: Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
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@LinajkReturns: Don't you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?
@iLikeCatShirts: Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption. *Gary pole vaults past us*
@dog_feelings: the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
@envydatropic: Christmas decorating 101 - Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations Your move Martha Stewart
@jakob_huber: "Get me another beer, boy" "Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby" "It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent"
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