Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.


While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.


My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.


Moses: 🎶partitioning the Red sea with my staff.

Staff of Moses: we want a raise!


me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad


Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.


I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges


Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*