@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

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@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

@daemonic3

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

@DavidRaymondT

I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.

@omgthatspunny

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

@blatchfordnews

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

@_SetTheHook_

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

@ozzyunc

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

@skittle624

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

@LeBearGirdle

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.