@adamhess1

Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

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@CarpentersCrack

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@VodkaThursday

U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall

@cravin4

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

@iAmDelFreaky

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@BlindChow

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

@Darlainky

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.