Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You know who else has a naughty list?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.
*comes back dressed as Yoda*