Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.


How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?


Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”


I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone


the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats


Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks


Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up


BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.


[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*comes back dressed as Yoda*