@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

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@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@SamuelHLowe

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@UnfilteredMama

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.