All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
The Sorting Hat seems like bad hygienic practice.
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal