Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

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All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.


hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials


Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.


The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.


imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from


I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.


Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now


Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal