You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.