Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
just witnessed a drug deal
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.