Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Lol
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Breaking news:
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.