Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”