Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
You Might Also Like
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early