Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
You Might Also Like
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
If you know, you know
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.