“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.