@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

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@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@Carter_TCB

One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@Lama911

Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.

@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?