@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

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@KatieBurnett

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

@BromanConsul

I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@stizod

When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.