you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*
Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
Every single time. 😫
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.
So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?