*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.
Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Flight to Vegas…guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?