@pattymo

Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

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@gabbybendel

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

@sonictyrant

Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@TweetPotato314

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

@WheelTod

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?