Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago

You Might Also Like


you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?


Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*


Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.


Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781


I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?


The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.


Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*


me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no


Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?