Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*