Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Hotels are back
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*