Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
i- i did not expect this
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The internet is magic sometimes.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.