just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You Might Also Like
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Denise please return my vape pen
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.