Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂