Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
there’s probably a fee though
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?