@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

You Might Also Like

@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@Sassafrantz

57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let’s make fun of them! What’s the worst that could hap..never mind.

@DurtMcHurtt

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@krisv_723

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

@JasonLight73

When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”

@Jen_Up_

I just said, “who the hell is calling here at 9 o’clock at night?” and I died a little on the inside.

@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands