Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.


57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let’s make fun of them! What’s the worst that could hap..never mind.


Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.


I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.


Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.


When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper “It’s ok I see them too”


I just said, “who the hell is calling here at 9 o’clock at night?” and I died a little on the inside.


Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.


it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands