@HiddleDeeDee

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

You Might Also Like

@YUCKYBOT

You know what they say? Once you go white, you’ll rob the world of it’s resources and murder indigenous peoples.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@paulablu22

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

@mydmac

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@theaisokay

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

@_The_Man__

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@XplodingUnicorn

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…