Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
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Me: You鈥檙e on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were鈥攏ow get this鈥攖rained鈥y鈥鈥oberman.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said 鈥淚 gotta show you this girl she鈥檚 your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Mondays aren鈥檛 too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts 鈥攆lamethrowers don鈥檛 hold much fuel.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you鈥檙e blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies