Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey