Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.


My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.


If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox


this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin


Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok


I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”


Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.