Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

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Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.


FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor


[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible


I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.


When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.


If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more


me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”


If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.


Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers


FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper