@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

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@Tmoney68

Ladies, if he tells you he’s 6 feet & 4 inches, be sure those aren’t two separate measurements.

@sofarrsogud

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

@bobvulfov

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

@DianeP89

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@KeetPotato

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.

@PaperWash

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

@seamussaid

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper