@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

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@omaddiyo

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@lazerdoov

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

@MomofTeen

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

@briangaar

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

@sammyrhodes

Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.