Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.