@goldengateblond

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

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@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@cuntyspice_

the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

@KendalPeifer

my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it

@LnL245

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@PimpBillClinton

To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.

@Social_Mime

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.