Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
X-tra spooky blend
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.