@goldengateblond: Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I'm a dream.
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@FrogAvalanche: Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*
@aimlessamers: No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar... With our age difference, I wouldn't be a cougar... more like a saber-toothed tiger.
@samalmightysam: The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
@hippieswordfish: *sees red lobster commercial* oh shit that looks good *goes to red lobster* what the absolute hell happened in here