Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please