@Eightinchgoat

Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

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@djdarrellripley

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

@Fred_Delicious

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@RobDenBleyker

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

@ThisOneSayz

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

@BunAndLeggings

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

@DistractedMomma

Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.