Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.

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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…


All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.


“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”


My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa


*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!


me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked


cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles


Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.