I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow