Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air. Don’t do dope, kids.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
super romantic virus
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.