Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
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I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.