Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Taking phone security to the next level.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.