@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

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@KayaJones

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@amerucan_n

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

@phalguy

10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.

@SamanthaaaReece

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

@hermanntrude

Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.