Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch


Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing


{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*


Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am


The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.


fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?


I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.


Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.