Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
This week’s mood.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.