@gerryhatric

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

- @gerryhatric

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@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@KeetPotato

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

@EJGomez

me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie
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girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@mccoy_paul

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.