Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.
Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.
My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!: