Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.