@aimlessamers

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

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@SteveKoehler22

Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.

@marlespo

My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.

@scullymike

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

@iwearaonesie

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

@Aikiwomannc

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

@FredTaming

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@MatCro

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.